55 | The Start

The Start is always the hardest.

Should I do it this way or that?

Will this work the way I want it to?

The Start is something I've been struggling with for a long time.

I have a grand idea playing in my head,

the curves, the tune, the colors

bursting

But when I do actually Start

it fades,

it changes,

it fails,

it just looks different.

This isn't what I wanted.

Is This Art?

And then before I could give what I created

life,

I kill it.

I hide it in the depths of ideas I will never speak of.

If it isn't what people like,

it's not good.

If it's different,

it's not good.

What is ever right?

What is ever art?

Will this path ever be as good as the rest?

________________________________________

You think.

You ponder.

You doubt.

And then you just abandon.

And you go with the flow.

Blending,

Disappearing,

Into the sea of sameness.

You will never be who you want to be.

You will never do what you want to do.

________________________________________

Don't stop at The Start.

Start at The Start,

And keep moving, 

until you reach the reasons why you started in the first place.

22 | 295 of 365

I have been exceptionally unmotivating to my brain these past few days.

I blame it on the weather.

The arrival of fall/rainy season has gotten me into this lazy, procrastinating mode where I constantly chant 

"I'll do it tomorrow" to myself but of course you and I both know tomorrow never comes 

and the pile of to-do/to-study just gets higher and higher, 

suffocating, really really suffocating.

07 |

We always crave for things we can't have, be it temporary or forever. 

And this overwhelming urge to break free from the mundane actions of reading the same words over and over again is killing me. 

Sometimes you're not sure if you should stop for a moment to enjoy that few hours of excitement and adventures, on one hand it refreshes that dried soul in you but on the other, you feel so refreshed you just want more. 

And I find myself inching so close to the latter it is hard to pull myself back on track again. 

Why go back to doing things you don't want to? It's the last stretch, keep going! I tell myself over and over again. 

Sometimes it works, for an hour or two but it'll fade away again with just a slight twitch of a paper from the corner of my eye, then I'll find myself back to daydreaming about the things that I want to do, about the things that make me happy. 

Even being within those thoughts make me happy enough to forget that I am not actually accomplishing it. 

Sad isn't it? 

But we all can't get what we want. 

And I guess that's what I'm telling myself right now. 

No, you can't do this or that, so head back to what you are suppose to do, no matter whether you like it or not. 

Because this is life, it wouldn't be life if you got what you want so easily, 

right?

05 | Which do you prefer?

Which do you prefer?

Someone that makes your flutter or someone familiar?

An easy question yet such a difficult choice. At this moment I'm just rooting for someone familiar but it's just that someone that makes your flutter seems like the better decision to love if you have been hurt by that someone familiar before. But then again, it's so hard to tell with your heart. No matter what you turn to, someone will just get hurt in the end. I like how there is nothing definite about it. There is no clear cut line as to which side she's (the character) swaying to. It is nice to have someone that flutters your heart, a person that gives you that ticklish feeling within your heart, those feelings that you have no explanation for. But it's like that someone familiar, I guess you feel obliged to go back into the arms that you knew so well, that once held you. However, once bitten twice shy. You just don't know if those arms will let you go again. At least with that someone new, you have no idea where this road is going to go. It may succeed or it may fail. But because you have never tasted the failure or that hurt, you don't fear it as much as going back into the same arms. Both the feeling of fear and comfort works in the same but opposite ways and guess choosing which risk to take is what makes you so torn inside. 

Someone that makes your heart flutter or someone familiar.

Which do you prefer?

04 | Wings that aren't made to fly

Have you ever had that moment where you just stopped and looked at what you are doing and living right now and asked

"What am I doing? Is this even what I want or what I wanted?"

Most of the time, the answer would be "Yes, I've had these moments come to me so many times. No, I really don't know what I'm doing right now because honestly this is nothing that I wanted."

And the question to come, I fear the most,

"Then why are you still doing it? Why aren't you living the dream you want?"

Yeah, why aren't you? Why aren't I?

Because, just because maybe, I don't have the guts to. Because it will take more than guts to leave everything behind. Because there is this fear that what I really want is not what really is the best for me. To do things you love, no, this notion doesn't exist in this society. It doesn't exist anywhere. And most of the time even if it did, it was because of a pair or a few pairs of hands that helped held that person up as he climbed out of that hole, those hands that helped fight back the ones that are pulling you back, those voices that shout out to you "GO! GO! GO! You can do this! Continue on! Press on! Follow your dreams!" And these people, they succeed putting everything down and running into the arms of their dreams.

But most of us, the sounds of insecurity and fear drown us out that we don't have the courage to break free. Shows, books, they are written to inspire you but how many people actually felt inspired enough to make a big change and then to actually stick to such a change and move forward to it.

I look up the hole and I desperately want to go out but those chains and hands are holding me back, and my wings, I don't think they are mended enough for me to fly anywhere, anymore. And this feeling, it sucks, it hurts, it cuts. So so bad.

03 | kʌmfət

comfort (kʌmfət)

noun

a state of physical ease and freedom from pain or constraint.

comfortable (kʌmf(ə)təb(ə)l)

adjective

free from stress or tension.

I think if there was anything to feel about this meet, this group of people, it would be this word. Comfort or comfortable. In the sense it is this feeling of not exactly happiness but of peace and blissfulness. A time where everything just feels at ease and stand still. Maybe it's because of how I treat this commitment or how I want this commitment to feel like, nonetheless, it is something that I felt. This thing that I never felt in a long time. The sense of being able to put down everything, to let down my walls and let them in. I think only them can achieve that. And for this feeling I am scared, still, but I'm also grateful and relieve. To know that there are people out there that I am able to let down my walls makes it feel comfortable. And I guess you can call this happiness too, to be able to have people to share your ups and downs. To have people who give strength. They give me strength. Although funny enough we are a group of people that truly, really need strength in our lives for different situation but it's giving and receiving. For the first time ever, I want to let them in. I want to hold all of them and give them strength. I guess when you see a crack in someone that reflects a part of your own crack, you want to give them everything you can to fill that crack up because deep down inside you know how it feels like. You feel the pain, the struggle, the tiredness, the drag. Everything. So this strength and this comfort, I'm glad I gave it a chance. To give my heart and all to a commitment and want to stay, I guess this would be the one and only. And I'm enjoying every single bit of it. I want to give it my all and I truly hope it lasts and becomes this strong hold of support, strength and comfort.

Whatever happens in your life, cell would have to be the one you would want to share with. Spiritually or non spiritually. That is truly the beauty of a cell and I'm glad I found one just like this.